The Messy Part
If we listened to what the world says about growth and transformation it sounds really awe-inspiring. Like frolicking through fields and wildflowers.
The before and afters from - it sucked - to - I never knew things could be so amazing.
What is often not talked about is the absolute messy shit show that growth can be.
The part that has you question everything.
The part that makes the inner noise louder.
The part that has you wonder if going down the path is even worth it.
And if we are working on changing something that has been fundamentally part of us for as long as we can remember, it is even more unsettling.
Here’s a deeply personal example:
I started working when I was 8 years old.
First it was painting my dad’s mechanic shop.
Then it was working on a farm.
Then it was babysitting neighbor kids and random yard work.
Then it was in restaurants.
Then it was in corporate tech.
Then it was as a business owner and coach.
Work is what I have known almost my entire life.
My parents had to work a ton to make ends meet. I knew early on that I was going to have to work hard if I wanted to change my circumstances. Additionally I grew up in the United States where the more you work and the more you produce is highly regarded.
My work identity was everything to me.
Putting in the most hours. Being the busiest. Excelling at whatever the job was. Making money.
It was my drug of choice. It was powerful.
Work gave me purpose. It helped me survive. It did change my circumstances.
I chose to focus on an identity the world regards and I was rewarded for it.
The thing is, there was also a toll.
A few years ago I started wondering if I wanted to keep paying that toll. I started re-exploring what a well-lived life meant to me outside of all of the societal BS (and lived experiences from childhood).
What I came up with did not include being singularly focused on work.
I decided to resign from leading a coach training program. I decided to resign from the board I was on. The pandemic made the decision for me to step away from going to all of the events. I started thinking about what other things I could include in my day outside of work.
I was off to see what life was like without work being my biggest identity and value.
Que the frolicking through fields and wild flowers …
LOL. Ummmm no.
It was terrible.
Without work to focus on my high-functioning anxiety became anxiety and depression.
What work and business had distracted me from most of my life, I was now sitting with full-time.
Not knowing what my value was outside of work made me feel like a waste of space.
I felt untethered.
And it was unsettling.
I wandered around muttering “this was a dumb idea”.
I sat with the messy stuff. I worked with a coach. I got back into therapy. I cried a lot.
It’s been almost 3 years.
In addition to all of the really messy parts, I’ve also:
Discovered my absolute joy in riding ATVs
Started dating after 20 years of not caring and am now in a sweet relationship
Moved with in a few blocks of my sisters and mom and have had lots of family time
Figured out my favorite conversations to be in and created meaningful work and life from that
Became consistent in being active
Am clearer on what my nervous system needs to feel nourished
AND
I don’t have an after.
There are many days where it is hard to not have my work identity be the star of the show.
There are days where I think it would be so much easier to just go back to being a high-performing work-aholic who was living out traditional definitions of success and felt more externally validated.
There are days where I wonder if I would be closer to certain goals if I had just stayed on that course.
I don’t have an after.
But I am grateful that I have expanded the fullness of how I am defining a well-lived life.
I am able to appreciate that while I still have a pull to the belief that work is what makes me worthy, I am able to practice seeing the BS that that is.
And it is a practice. Every single day to be intentional about what conditioning I am letting inform the choices I make and how I see my life.
Breaking up with my work identity has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.
The changemakers I work with are also breaking up with parts of themselves so they can generate their most meaningful goals and they would tell you the same thing.
Disrupting parts of ourselves. Letting go of parts of ourselves. Redefining parts of ourselves.
Making different choices. Experiencing our life and leadership differently.
It can be really really messy. Frustratingly so.
And it can also be life-changing, soul-giving growth.
But I don’t think we should portray it as the shiny before and afters social media would have us believe it is.
What is real is that it costs us something to uncouple ourselves from societal and systemic BS. What we gain though is often what we’ve been deeply craving all along.
So whether you are on the precipice of a big change.
Whether you are in the messy ass middle of a big change.
Or whether you are in the life-giving part of a big change.
Know that it’s a very human experience to oscillate between this is fantastic to this friggin' sucks.
Even when we don't feel it or see it, there is magic in the messy.
